The 85th Academy Awards – in which Seth MacFarlane presents, all the people you knew would win did, and this writer descends into a sleepy madness

Last night’s 2013 Oscars came and went with…well, a sort of shrug. Fun while it lasted, but boy did it keep on lasting. Anyway, there was laughter courtesy of host Seth MacFarlane (for some anyway). Tears, mostly from Christoph Waltz (nearly) and Ben Affleck…and consequently me too. And tiredness (that was all me). I stayed up through the night watching the ceremony live (and the red carpet beforehand) and took to Facebook and Twitter to voice my thoughts as it happened. Here’s my documentation of the night’s events (and be warned, there be swearing ahead…):

11.45pm – Whoops I missed the start of the red carpet as I was watching the end of Saw: The Final Chapter. I don’t know why coz it’s truly awful and it had one of the worst twist endings EVER. Way to kill a franchise. Anyway now that’s done I’ve turned over to Sky Living where Alex Zane is talking about Lincoln.

11.57pm – Ok, so I still haven’t seen any actual red carpet action. This Sky Living programme just appears to be Alex Zane rattling on about God knows what to actor Colin Salmon, journalist Boyd Hilton and some fashion journalist whose name I think is Antonia. Time to find a live stream…

12.00am – Ooo, wait: Alex Zane is talking to Tarantino! Back to Sky Living. Actor Colin Salmon earns even more points in my good books by saying QT should have been nominated for Best Director – spot on you suave man, you.

12.13am – No live red carpet interviews yet on Sky Living. Travesty. So, much of a travesty I’m not even sure how you spell that word. I’ve found an ok live stream though so I might just make it anyway…

12.24am – Oh hi tiny Kristin Chenoweth! She is presenting the red carpet footage on Sky Living which is FINALLY getting under way. Her presence makes me very happy. And she’s interviewing Jessica Chastain!!!

12.32am – Why have I not seen Beasts of the Southern Wild yet??? Quvenzhané Wallis seems like the cutest little thing EVER. She has a flipping toy dog bag with her outfit for crying out loud. And Jennifer Lawrence just said shit in an interview.

12.45am – Fuck me I give up. Live stream I had is now gone. Ryan Seacrest is apparently interviewing Christoph Waltz (according to everyone on Twitter) and I can’t watch it: GODDAMN IT. I want to see him not Reese Witherspoon being interviewed on Sky Living.

1.20am – I’ve found an ok stream of the ceremony. Just waiting for the start. For now I’m watching Jason Clarke be interviewed on some recap red carpet thingy. His actual Aussie voice = awesome.

1.33am – HA HA: my link had Spanish dubbing. Only thing I could understand in the opening was MacFarlane’s song about seeing actresses’ boobs as that wasn’t translated. Apparently misogyny is a universal language and doesn’t require translation…

1.45am – Finally found a link! Tuned in just as Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Seth MacFarlane and Daniel Radcliffe were singing a song with him. Brilliant.

1.50am – Christoph Waltz takes the first award of the night!!! Bless his amazing little Austrian face. Literally ANYONE else can win now, I don’t care.

1.55am – Melissa McCarthy and Paul Rudd being pretty funny onstage while presenting the animation awards. Seriously Paul Rudd hasn’t aged in years. Check pictures: PROOF. Anyway, Paperman and Brave win Best Animated Short and Feature respectively. In other news I’m going far too quickly through my vodka supply. Oh dear.

2.07am – LIFE IS COMPLETE. Avengers cast on stage together. Well, Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Jeremy Renner and Samuel L. Jackson anyway. In other news I am currently on Amazon buying The Avengers coz I don’t know why I don’t have it yet. (UPDATE: scratch that it’s like 20 quid just for the DVD. Clever way to stop movie piracy film companies).

2.15am – Costume and Make-up presented by Channing Tatum and Jennifer Aniston. Move along nothing to see here. (Anna Karenina wins costume design and Les Misérables wins Make-up, not that you care).

2.22am – OH JAMES BOND TRIBUTE, NOOO. My theory of why Bond is always kicking shit apart and killing people is coz he is trying to compensate for something. If you catch my drift. This is why Michael Fassbender will NEVER be Bond. (Sorry, that’s quite crude. But you know it’s true).

2.33am – Actually getting bored now. Jamie Foxx and Kerry Washington onstage presenting for Documentaries add a bit of class though. More vodka is needed…

2.45am – Searching for Sugar Man wins Best Documentary Feature! Well deserved. Wish they would stop with the fricking cut-off music though while people are trying to speak. Using the Jaws theme to play over someone talking? Classy.

2.50am – Michael Haneke wins Best Foreign Language film with Amour! Excellent (not that I’ve seen it yet or anything, but ya know – jumping on the bandwagon and all that).

2.54am – Erm, what? I missed that. Why is Catherine Zeta-Jones and Jennifer Hudson performing? Significance please? I’m listening to my own music to block it out… (UPDATE: re-watching the start I missed the moment when MacFarlane said they were going to celebrate music in film so this was the reason why. What a pointless idea).

3.02am – This has gone on too long: now the entire freaking cast of Les Mis is onstage singing. This is the kind of long-winded shit that makes people hate the Oscars. It’s too early in the morning for thissssssss…

3.11am – YES! Ted onstage! Love it. It’s weird though – Mark Wahlberg seems more wooden than Ted who isn’t actually real or there…sorry Marky Mark but it’s true. They’re presenting Sound Mixing or something.

Ted and Mark Wahlberg

3.20am – Christopher Plummer presenting Best Supporting Actress. I’m always confused by why they separate this award and the Best Supporting Actor category which is announced way earlier. Anyway, Anne Hathaway won like everyone knew she would.

3.40am – Oh, here we go: Adele singing Skyfall. Cue the world saying how brill it is (It’s not and you know it – it’s one of the worst ever Bond songs. Not as bad as that Jack White/Alicia Keys one though).

4.05am – For a horrid second there I thought my stream had gone wrong and that it was looping back to Zeta-Jones singing Chicago again. But no, it’s most of the Chicago cast coming onstage to present an award for Best Original Score. Why? It goes to Pi Life anyway – bet you’re singing my new modified title to Blur’s ‘Parklife’ now aren’t you? If you weren’t before you are now…

4.16am – WOW. Skyfall won best song??? Are you joking? Not that the one from Ted was much better. Adele makes for a very humble winner anyway.

4.23am – Charlize Theron and Dustin Hoffman present the Screenplay awards. Chris Terrio wins Best Adapted Screenplay for Argo. And in even greater news:  Tarantino wins best original screenplay for Django Unchained! He nearly gets played off by the music but is so BAMF he makes them stop. You didn’t even give him a Best Director nom this year, so yeah Oscars: YOU LET HIM FINISH.

4.35am – Ang Lee wins Best Director? REALLY??? I mean, Tarantino should have been in this category anyway so I don’t really care (so should Kathryn Bigelow and Ben Affleck).

4.43am – Jennifer Lawrence wins Best Actress. I was so convinced Jessica Chastain would get it but oh well. Lawrence falls up the stairs on the way to collect the award coz of her ridiculously large dress. We still love you Jennifer.

4.48am – Daniel Day-Lewis won, obviously. DDL shows he’s actually quite a funny guy under that stovepipe hat in his speech though. Quite unfair how the Best Actor and Actress categories always get more speech time than other ‘lesser’ categories though. COME ON NOW DDL. Some of us need sleep.

4.55am – Argo wins Best Pic! Like we all didn’t see that coming. But very well deserved for Ben Affleck. He gave a truly aspirational/cute speech and like a fool I started welling up.

5.03am – Seth MacFarlane and Kristin Chenoweth close the Oscars with a song. He nearly sings the C-word. Can’t decide if I’m impressed or disgusted. I’d probably be more impressed if he actually had said it… But anyway – I desperately need sleep now. Night/morning all.

So, there you have it. All the stuff that happened last night. Not much really. A lot of the ceremony became quite dull and started to drag. Those big musical interludes didn’t help. I understand the nominations for Best Song being performed, but did we really need to see Catherine Zeta-Jones and Jennifer Hudson perform?

Also lots of people this morning have been dissing MacFarlane, calling him the worst host in recent years. Really? You’re all saying that Anne Hathaway and James Franco did a better job than him? I don’t think so. In my opinion he was great. He brought the right combo of funny and shocking. Re-watching the opening of the ceremony which I mostly missed, there was a bit of tension in the air around some of MacFarlane’s controversial jokes (Mel Gibson still appears to be sacred ground). And lots of the jokes didn’t really hit the mark. But all in all I think he did a brilliant job. And if you didn’t laugh at Flight being done with sock puppets, then you’re dead inside.

Overall I can’t say I’m disappointed by any of the winners who took away awards last night. I’m not so happy about Ang Lee winning Best Director, but then I wanted Quentin Tarantino to take it who wasn’t even NOMINATED. But there weren’t any glaring injustices for the other winners really. Anyway, see you all next year. Maybe in 2014 I will have actually seen most of the Best Picture nominations rather than just two. Shocking I know. (And those two didn’t even win anyway…).

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~ by square-eyed-geek on February 25, 2013.

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